Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Crashing from the High

Maybe you feel like you are able to convey more through writing, giving yourself the excuse, that what you're feeling is being protrayed through someone else, so you don't have to "face" it yourself.

--As said to me by a fellow author

I've been found out. Somewhat. Why each rejection just chips away at me. It's bad enough that, apparently, I'm not writing what anyone wants to read (based on various articles and message boards and loops and even at the conference, etc); but it's that coupled with whatever concerns me/speaks to me is singular only to me and no one else. I guess because it's always been like that for me on a personal scale; to see it on a more public scale really chafes. I talk and few listen; I write and few read. I feel like the mythological Cassandra sometimes, I swear lol. There's no way I can write for the market, even if I do read and enjoy much of what the market provides. On the other hand, my writing teachers in college would say the most specific is the most universal. It seems like it isn't.

It's funny; one author at the conference told me to calm down when I was discussing some of my fears. I know I should. I should calm down and gather patience and all the things successful writers say because they have the benefit of hindsight and the rewards of what they'd sown for years. But this is the first time I've done something for me, and I'm terrified of falling flat on my face.

People are proud of me; I know this. I think why I was so glad to be at RSJ is because I was surrounded by people who understood what I was going through. I rarely have that. When I first started this writing thing, all I was told was how hard it would be; how unlikely success would be; how impractical it would be. I'm doing it anyway, but I'm scared to death I won't prove those sentiments wrong. And because these things were told by the people who know and love me the most, I took it close to my heart. I've gotten good reception, but . . . I don't know what I need to do or write so that people won't think this is just a hobby to me. I don't know what else I can do if I don't write, and that's scary. And I don't really have anyone with whom to talk to about my fears. I have folks I talk to online, but they have their own lives. It's just I.

And I know this is delayed reaction to Mother's Day too. My dad called on Sunday and asked how I was. I told him I was fine. I knew I wasn't, but I didn't want to talk about it. My mother was heavy on my mind during RSJ too. She was a reader; she would've loved the conference. She was just about everything I wish I were. If I'd told her I was going to be a writer, I don't think she would've said all the reasons why it wasn't a good idea first; or be borderline condescending about it. My sister says I idealize her, which is funny, because I'm older than she is. How would I know how the woman would be or do when I only knew her for nine years?

This is one of my more personal posts, but I'm going to put it up anyway. This journey isn't always smooth, and I think a post like this will help me stay righteous should I be blessed enough to have success.


Kawari_Dante said...

I left you a comment on Mother's Day but I can see it didn't follow through and actually get posted!! Errr...

What I wanted to say was that I'm sure that you're mother is looking down on you and your sister from heaven and that she's proud of both you. You've come so far.

And don't let the rough times get you down. It's a tough buisness and rejection is just a big part of the game. All the publishers know what their looking for and your writing can be hard to catagorize-there's nothing wrong with your writing at all!!

One day, you'll have all the success you deserve!!

Kimberly Kaye Terry said...

Okay. Trying this again. Blogger ate my comment.

I was checking in on you, to see if you'd done what we talked about at RSJ...nudge nudge. *smile*

Sweetie, don't you dare let others pull you down. Don't you dare let rejection pull you down. It hurts, I KNOW. I've been there. But, rejection in one form or another, is what we all have to deal with, even when published. And it will always hurt a bit. But, we dust ourselves off and keep on going, because of our love for what we do. Write the story that is in YOUR heart. That is the story that will be most powerful and the one that will touch others the most. Don't write what others on boards, loops or groups are saying is "hot". Editors are always looking for something fresh, something different. It's often about hitting that right editor at the right time, with the right story. Be you, Sav. Because I happen to think you shine. It's just a matter of time before the right editor comes along, the editor for YOU, who sees the shine as well.

And, I know your mommy is looking down smiling at her baby girl :)


Bana said...

Miss Kimberly . . .

I hope you made your deadline! As for me, I will put that submission package together I promise--I had tighter deadlines for my editing job so I had to put much of my writing on hold, but this weekend is going to be catchup weekend.

And you are absolutely right. I tell that to other writers to write the story that's inside you, my fear is that no one will want to read the story or stories that are inside me! It's illogical, I know, but that's insecurity talking, and apparently writers are notorious for bein insecure. However, I'll keep writing even if it's just me and five other people who end up reading it. I have something to say and it's worthwhile. It might take me longer to find someone with, as Miss Beverly says "the testicular fortitude" to sign on with me, but I want that person rather than someone who wouldn't.

I appreciate you checking up on me! I really do appreciate it and I'm gonna keep on keepin' on!